Wedding Traditions – Denmark

Back in January I wrote a post about Ghanaian/Ashanti wedding traditions. I talked about how Jeffrey’s family are Ghanaian and how this element must in some way play a part in our (/the dreaded) ‘theme’. Now we’ve only really managed to get a couple of Ghanaian aspects planned because, as I mentioned before, much of the Ghanaian traditions centre around the bride’s family and we can’t really see how we’d tie it in.

But not only are we thinking about Ghanaian elements, but also aspects of Danish wedding traditions due to my Mother being Danish.

So here I give a run down of some of the Danish wedding traditions I know of, and which we may well try and tie some of in to the wedding in some way.

The typical Danish wedding is very similar to the English in that it starts with the bride and groom sleeping separate the night before the wedding (to make a distinction between the wedding day and every other day), a trip to the church or town hall for the ceremony, followed by the wedding reception.

But the Danish wedding reception feels quite different to the English. There are a few customs that tend to take place at Danish wedding receptions that don’t feature in the typical English reception:

1. Before the wedding, an arch of pine branches is built around the doorway of the bride’s family home. This is called the Gate of Honor. Another is built when the couple celebrates their silver anniversary.
2. At some point during the ceremony, if the bride leaves the room all the female guests have to run over to kiss the groom, and if the groom leaves the room all the male guests kiss the bride.
3. When guests bang their cutlery on their plates or glasses the bride and groom have to climb onto their chairs and kiss. When guests stamp their feet the pair have to kiss under the table.
4. The bride and groom dance the wedding waltz before midnight. Guests stand in a big circle, clap and slowly move closer so that the circle gets smaller until the couple are surrounded by their loved ones.
5. The male guests pick up the groom to remove his shoes and cut the toes of his socks off. There are a couple of suggested reasons for this: 1) to allow the bride to prove she can sew, and 2) to symbolise that the groom should no longer walk in the footsteps of other women.
6. Family members often write songs instead of giving speeches. The song lyrics are written to popular melodies and the words are passed around so that everyone can join in.
7. The traditional Danish wedding cake is made of marzipan rings stacked on top of each other. This cake (Kransekage – below) is decorated with icing and flags and is cut by the bride and groom together to avoid bad luck.

And that’s all the traditions I can think of. A fair few to choose from! So now we just need to work out which we take part in. But we know for definite that we are having the Danish wedding cake. It’s far nicer than fruit cake.

And here’s the Danish Crown Prince Frederik’s Wedding Waltz with his new wife, Mary, for you to pore over:

 

Afghanistan curbs wedding costs

I was flicking through Stylist magazine, which was given to me by our lovely Arsenal Stylist/Shortlist vendor on Wednesday I might add, while eating a slice or two of pizza this lunchtime, and came across an interesting piece in the Elsewhere section on page 10.

Entitled ‘Budget Bride’ it tells of how weddings in Afghanistan have become over-the-top, resulting in many young men going into huge debt, postponing getting married, or even deciding to “stay single forever”.  This deserved a closer look.

Get out the laptop, open google, type Afghanistan wedding curb, hit search, et voila, 21 and a half million hits in 0.28 seconds later up comes a full-blown article from the Telegraph (Lucia at work would be super proud of my speediness to get this information – she doesn’t understand how I can get an answer to a question before she’s even opened her browser). Here are the main points:

• Unemployment across Afghanistan is very high
• The average annual income is little more than a few hundred pounds
• It is commonplace for an average wedding to cost £6,500
• Many wedding guest lists include 600 guests
• Well-off families may spend five times the average amount
• Glass and neon wedding halls entertaining up to 1,500 guests with food and dancing have popped up in recent years (- a great step after years of aggressively oppressive rule under the Taliban)
• Set lunch menus at the biggest halls currently typically begin at around £8 per head, not including cake, music or decoration

The Afghan government is now looking to ban the tradition of the groom paying the bride’s family a dowry and will limit weddings to 300 guests. The limit on catering would be set at £2.80 per head. This is all in a bid to  protect family life, stop the increase of sex before marriage and reduce the use of prostitutes.

Farid Ahmad Najibi, spokesman for the justice ministry, said:

“We are doing this because it is a big problem for young men and we must protect the family. Unfortunately in Afghan society when one of your relatives has a big wedding with lots of guests, you must have a bigger wedding or it is deeply shameful.”

So, I ask Messers Cameron and Clegg to think about whether we can bring in something similar here please. Ok, I know the situation isn’t quite as drastic as that of Afghanistan. If the average wedding costs £6,500 that’s nearly 22 times the average annual salary of $300.  I guess we’d have a long way to go to go for weddings in the UK to average $490,000 (the average UK salary in 2010 was £23,244). But let’s try and bring down the average UK wedding cost from £21k – nearly a year’s salary, which, in this economic climate and with the cost of housing and living, is a hell of a lot of money. And while we’re at it lets find a way to not make it out of the ordinary and bloody difficult to keep it small, simple and cheap. Let’s encourage against people trying to have a big do, wasting thousands and thousands of pounds on one ‘big day’ and let’s try and make it normal to put that money into your future together. Let’s focus on what the wedding should be about – the union.

Deciding on the guest list

Well, I think we all know there’s a big day looming on the wedding front. Nope, Jeffrey and I haven’t yet set the date – though we are getting a little closer and think we know what we’re doing. But what we do know the date of is the Royal wedding. That of Wills and Kate or, if one wants to be proper, HRH Prince William of Wales, K.G. and Miss Catherine Middleton. Friday 29 April 2011. And everyone in the UK knows this as we get blessed with an extra Bank Holiday.

Yesterday the guest list for said big day was revealed when the Queen sent out the formal invitations – a white card gilded with gold in a pale brown envelope with the Queen’s initials die-stamped in gold below a crown.

I seem to remember, when the engagement was announced back in November 2010, a spokesman for the Royal wedding saying that Wills and Kate would be “mindful of the economic situation” and plan an ‘austerity wedding’.

aus·ter·i·ty (ô-str-t) n.pl.

1. The quality of being austere.

2. Severe and rigid economy: wartime austerity.

3. An austere habit or practice.

aus·tere (ô-stîr) adj.

1. Severe or stern in disposition or appearance; somber and grave: the austere figure of a Puritan minister.

2. Strict or severe in discipline; ascetic: a desert nomad’s austere life.

3. Having no adornment or ornamentation; bare: an austere style.

This leads me to conclude that “austerity wedding” denotes – a somber wedding with no ornamentation

Now, Jeffrey and I are planning an ‘austerity wedding’. Something with little fuss and personal homemade touches that don’t cost the earth. This also means a guest list of 50-60 at a push. However, it seems for the Royals this won’t suffice for an ‘austeriry wedding’. Not even 10 times this number is too much. Try 30 times plus some, then a sprinkling more, and a cherry on top.

Yep, the Queen has invited 1,900 people to the Royal Wedding. Ok, so apparently that’s just for the ceremony. But my guess is no blushing bride to be really wants to walk down an aisle with 1,850 people she doesn’t really want there watching her. Even if she does know full well she’s marrying the second in line to the throne. Of these nigh on 2000, 600 people have been invited to a lunchtime reception at Buckingham Palace, with 300 staying on for the ‘evening do’.

Some of the lucky lot cited to have been invited by Her Maj include:

• David and Victoria Beckham – apparently on account of Wills and David working together on the England 2018 bid
• Ben and Marina Fogle – “personal friends of the Prince and Miss Middleton”
• Elton John (and I presume David Furnish and Zachary too)
• Joanna Lumley (who doesn’t like Kate’s style)
• Kanyeezy (really?) – one of the Prince’s ‘crazy dope’ favourite recording artists
• The King of Bahrain – not a good idea, surely Ma’am?
• The Kings of Saudi Arabia and Jordan
• The Crown Prince of Abu Dhabi
• The Sultan of Oman and the Sultan of Brunei
• 1,000 friends and family of the couple – 1,000 friends and family? Is that even possible?
• 200 members of the Government, Parliament and diplomatic corps – poor Ed Miliband is apparently only invited to the ceremony, whereas lucky ol’ SamCam get to attend 2/3 of the day. I guess that’s what you get for being top dog of the Government and not the opposition
• 80 representatives of Wills’ charities

Some guest list, no?

Based on this, we’re changing course. The guest list for the marriage of Jeffers Kojo to Sophie Anne Kingo will herein consist of:

• The woman from procurement at Cheshire West and Chester Council who I worked with on a work project from September to December 2010
• Nyron Nosworthy, Defender for Sheffield Utd, and any WAG he has on the go –  (ok, albeit ex) “personal friend” of Jeffers Kojo
• Some bloke who I don’t know but who probably sang at my Mum and Dad’s wedding – with his partner and adopted son
• A woman who doesn’t like my style
• Kanyeezy – one of Jeffers Kojo’s favourite recording artists
• Colonel Gadaffi – dictator and thug, standing up against and killing his people who just want democracy. (The King of Bahrain being invited to Wills and Kate’s wedding makes me believe this type of guest is essential)
• A variety of Queens – I feel women are playing a somewhat minor role in Wills and Kate’s guest list. I’d start with Dronning Margrethe of Denmark, Queen Beatrix of Holland, and Queen Sofia of Spain
• The Crown Princesses Mary, Letizia and Victoria of Denmark, Spain and Sweden respectively
• the Sultan from Aladdin
• 1,000 members of our family (this includes cousins 10 times removed, second husbands/wives, and crazy old aunts we forgot were still around), and friends (including random acquaintances we both saw last five years ago)
• 200 members of local and national government (hey, I’ve worked with a fair few)
• 80 representatives from charities I’ve donated to in the past – Comic Relief; some random Pakistani/disabled/blind (delete as appropriate) children’s charities I’ve given money to in Bethnal Green underground station these past two and a half years; Children in Need; St John’s Ambulance; DEC; and so on.

And I think that might suffice. It looks like our “austerity wedding” may have just gone out of the window. But hey ho, I do get to say my vows in front of 1,850 people I’m not really fussed about being there I guess. A small trade off perhaps for marrying an Ashanti Prince…

The venue search continues

So, those of you reading this regularly will be aware that, on 27 December, Jeffrey and I had two potential reception venues that we thought we could see ourselves holding our wedding reception in. These venues took quite a lot of work to find as we really aren’t in to the generic, stuffy wedding venue options out there. Unfortunately we haven’t really got much further than this. In the meantime two of my friends – Nicola and Lizzi who got engaged to their boyfriends 11 and  5 days before us respectively, have since set their wedding dates having got their venues booked. I am now fearing that Jeffrey and I are lagging behind and really want to just get the venues sorted, get it in the diary and forget about it all for a little while. No such luck yet.

Now, we’re not behind in the way that we don’t have neither the civil ceremony or reception venues sorted. While we don’t have the ceremony venue booked yet – we were too late in mid-December 2010 too book for August 2011 apparently, and too early in January 2011 for March 2012 – we do know where we want the ceremony to take place, and that it’s available when we think we want it, so we will be booking that as soon as we can be sure of the reception venue.

But the reception venue is proving to be a difficult one to pin down. The two potential venues we like differ significantly – one is nice enough community-type venue in lovely surroundings on the outskirts of Regents Park, the other a BEA-U-TI-FUL Georgian house in a lovely central London square. The first is a lot cheaper in terms of venue hire, the latter much grander and seriously cool. We knew when we saw the house that we could really make that into something special. However, there was one problem. While the first venue has tables, chairs, tableware, catering options and staff all ready to go, the house has not a snitch of what you would need to have 50-60 people come and eat and have a nice time. This means external caterers are a must. And oh my word, what a farce. External caterers, with equipment hire and staffing are just extortionate. Granted, we have only had two quotes so far (however these were from caterers that are recommended by the venue as they need to have full insurance and have worked in a Grade 1 listed venue before), but it’s looking like the whole second option is off. We are looking at having 60 people absolute tops for the whole day – ceremony, drinks reception, sit down meal or buffet, dance (without DJ or DJ equipment might I add) – and the quotes we received were both between 7 and 8k.

Yup, between 7 and 8 THOUSAND of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II’s very finest British pounds for 60 people (plus 5 kids) to sit down and eat (see the image to see what that looks like in actual physical cash, dough, wonga, cheese, paper, money, peas, or whatever you like to call it). That worked out at around £108pp not including venue hire, flowers, clothes, drink, ceremony venue, and whatever else it is you need to pull off the British idea of a wedding. When Jeffrey and I are funding this wedding completely by ourselves need I tell you that this is waaaaay over our anticipated budget for the whole thing? We just can’t justify spending that much money when we really don’t earn that much; spend at least 65 per cent of our monthly take home pay on mortgage, living and commuting; and own just 50 per cent of our flat – and that on mortgage.

So we’re hoping the first, community-type venue comes up trumps. But in the meantime we’re also contemplating other ways we could spend our wedding day. And let me tell you, it probably wouldn’t be via the conventional route, and may well disappoint or annoy some people. But we really want to enjoy our wedding day and really do see it, like I said at the end of my very first Sophie Kingo’s Getting Married post, our wedding day is a means to an end for us. It marks the beginning of the rest of our lives together, rather than what is often, for some, a chance to be centre of attention for a day. We’d much rather invest in our future than blowing our hard-earned cash on an over-priced wedding day.

I’ll be sure to keep you informed…

The Wedding Theme

Jeffrey yesterday spoke to his cousin, Nana, for the first time since the engagement. Nana got married to her husband Ray a few years ago after just a six-month engagement. Nana had seven bridesmaids and Ray five groomsmen – well, as far as I can tell from the Facebook photos. Guests numbered 300 and the theme looks like it was purple. So Nana knows all about weddings and planning.

When Jeffrey passed the phone over to me, our conversation went something along the lines of:

Nana: What is the theme?

Me: We don’t have a theme.

Nana: But you must have an idea of colour?

Me: Nope.

Nana: And you haven’t started a mood board?

In my previous post I spoke briefly about themes when discussing venue options, as it seems many venues already provide some theme or other,which consequently tends to be step back in time 100 years to sit in a stuffy, fussy room with seat covers and over the top table settings. Jeffrey and I aren’t ones for themes, but if we were then we would probably say we are aiming for our wedding to be a reflection of us.

This got me thinking. What would our ‘us’ theme be? And what themes do other people go for?

According to wedding website Confetti, a wedding theme is:

A certain style choice for your day that you then reflect in your choice of invitations, dress code, decorations, music, you name it! Whether you choose something like a particular subject as a theme, (such as football, butterflies or chocolate), or a colour theme, (like pink, black and white or rainbow colours for example), a wedding theme will create a unique style and mood for your celebrations and the choice of theme is entirely up to you.

Now I’m not going to answer the question about our ‘us’ theme (if you can call that a theme?). That will come with time. But I have had a look at some wedding themes floating about in cyberspace. And my word some of them are themes and a half!

In general I’ve found themes which can be filed into three categories:

1. colour
2. of the moment
3. novelty

Colour theme

The most common theme choice seems to be colour. Be it red, purple, brown, gold, etc. The possibilities are (almost) endless. Here’s a pink and brown theme for you to feast your eyes over. Delightful, no?

It seems that when you opt for a colour theme everything has to adhere to the theme – invitations, orders of service, the bridal party (bridesmaid dresses, parents of the bride outfits/corsages, etc), the groom’s party, flowers, table decorations, favours, cake, chair cover ribbons, etc. The only exception I can see in many themes is the bride’s gown.  But even this doesn’t get off scott free – often the gown will be finished off with a colour coordinated sash. And, of course, the bride will be decked out with colour coordinated bouquet and, often, hairpiece. Luckily, ladies, Wedding magazine advised me today (yes yes, I have succumbed to the wedding magazines) that if you can’t decide on your colour theme but want to get your invitations out you should send opt for “neutral shades of ivory, silver or gold and then you can add splashes of colour later on with the table stationery. That way you can relax knowing that the important invites are posted before deciding on the colours for your big day”. Phew, now we can breathe a collective sigh of relief.

Colour theming to this extent certainly isn’t for us.

The ‘of the moment’ theme

Now as far as I can tell, there are a number of themes that appear in vogue at any one time. In recent years eco, homemade, vintage, burlesque and 50s weddings seem to have become popular. Of course, these aren’t mutually exclusive and often go hand-in-hand with a colour theme.  Let’s take a look at eco weddings as an example.

Typically, to be ecological the bride and groom-to-be should be thinking of wearing dresses and suits by designers who use organic, fairtrade or natural materials and dyes. Alternatively the happy couple could choose to have second-hand outfits re-styled or altered to suit, or opt for hired outfits.

Other eco aspects to consider for the wedding day include: using recycled card and vegetable inks for invitations, place cards and orders of service; hiring environmentally-conscious venues; using locally-sourced  free range meat and eggs for the meal and cake; using local and/or fairtrade flowers for bouquets, table decorations and as confetti; or hiring environmentally friendly transport – coach, bicycles, horse and cart, etc. And it certainly looks like there are all sorts of suppliers claiming to meet these requirements.

However, I can’t help but feel that many of the ‘eco’ weddings I have come across for this blog are half-heartedly environmentally friendly, and more style over substance. For example, the wedding of Chad and Christine in California USA, though beautiful, was described as an ‘eco wedding’. The blog on which it features, which happens to have so many beautiful looking weddings, doesn’t delve deeply into the particulars of the environmentally friendly aspects of their day, but this Barefoot and Beautiful wedding seems to be similar to many other ‘eco weddings’ I’m aware of, whereby the inclusion of just one or two semi-eco elements equals a fully fledged ‘eco wedding’. Chad and Christine’s eco elements were apparently homemade invitations and napkins, wooden rings (such as those below) and a barefoot bridal party. They certainly weren’t her beautiful Sue Wong designer beaded dress, the groom party’s suits or the lovely vintage car.

The novelty theme

It appears, rather sadly, that novelty themes are on the increase. I went to a wedding several years ago which had the theme ‘cartoon characters’. Unfortunately I don’t have any photos to share so my short forthcoming explanation will have to suffice. The bride was dressed as Princess Fiona from Shrek (alas not when she’s green and, for reasons I cannot fathom, in a red rather than green dress). The groom was dressed as DangerMouse complete with white body paint, swimming cap, eye patch and ears. The best man was dressed as Penfold, DangerMouse’s sidekick. He was a mess and the whole thing was rather comical.

So what other options are there for those wanting a ‘different’ or ‘memorable’ wedding? Well, it seems that when it comes to novelty themed weddings anything goes. Be it football, Cadbury’s purple (left, which mixes both theme and colour – clever, no?), fairytale, cartoon, 80s, burlesque, James Bond, Star Wars, 1940s, Gothic, rainbow hippytastic, or Parisian punk rock Marie Antoinette, it seems there’s no stopping the novelty theme and it’s popularity.

Now I know it’s each to their own and all that. But I promise you, Jeffrey Boakye and I will not be subjecting ourselves, nor our guests, to some lame excuse of a ‘theme’.

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Finding the venue

So, I’m no wedding planner, and I’ve never had the honour of planning a wedding – my own or someone else’s – but I understand that the first thing to do in planning your wedding is work out a budget and what it is you both, as a couple, would like for your big day – church or registry office, big or small event, traditional or ‘different’.

Ceremony options

So, first things first. Where do we want the nuptials to take place? I know a fair few people for who this would be a non-question. Options would be: Christ Church, St Peter’s Church, St Mary’s Church, and so on. Jeffrey was brought up a Catholic, being sent to Catholic primary and secondary schools, regularly serving mass at Corpus Christi Church in Brixton (above right) and regularly praying. He continues to be spiritual, but doesn’t really practice Catholicism. I, on the other hand, was christened into the Den Danske Folkekirke, the Lutheran (Protestant) Church of Denmark, but have never really managed to buy in to Christianity. While I appreciate the merits of religion – Christianity or otherwise – believing it can provide comfort and support to many people and that Christianity has created a good moral code on which British society is built, I just don’t  believe in God, creationism, the virgin birth of God on earth, etc. It therefore just doesn’t sit right with me to get married in a church, and certainly not in a Catholic church. I can’t stand there and reaffirm a belief in God and promise to bring up my children into Catholicism whilst in the same breath promising to be  loyal to Jeffrey for the rest of my life.

Therefore the options for us involves where to hold a civil ceremony – Registry Office, Town Hall (Islington Town Hall, above left) or another venue registered for civil ceremonies, Hull or London. Luckily there are plenty of options on that front, so this shouldn’t be too much of a problem. Alternatively, of course, we could get married abroad, but this doesn’t really appeal to us.

Once the betrothed have decided how they would like to tie the knot I believe it’s time to decide on the…

Guest List

I think this is were the first problems can start.

Jeffrey and I are pretty much funding this day all by ourselves and would like a small (and relatively inexpensive as I’m loathe to spend thousands and thousands of pounds on one day) wedding with those that matter most to us present. This isn’t a problem for us, I guess what we’re worried about is upsetting friends and family if we don’t invite them, or having family members try to insist on certain people being invited. And we have already come across family and friends telling us there may be problems if some people aren’t invited.

Most of my friends and family are in East Yorkshire and Denmark, while most of Jeffrey’s are in London and Ghana. This rules a fair number out – we know Jeff’s two Grandmas, three uncles and one aunt in Ghana won’t be able to make it, nor will my Grandma or an aunt in Denmark. This, rather sadly, reduces the numbers of people we would like there somewhat. However, I can see how easy it is for the guest list to expand beyond the couple’s ideals. If we invite so-and-so then we must invite so-and-so, and so-and-so, and so-and-so. And on it can go. We’re having to be ruthless. If we don’t regularly see or speak to them they don’t need to be there. This is our day and we would like everyone to play a part in it. And if that means some people get offended, then so be it. We have therefore set a provisional limit at 50 guests and are looking for reception venues that accommodate that. Which brings us neatly onto…

Reception Venues

Now this is the part that is starting to annoy me. We’ve a couple of dates in mind and have cleared it with the civil ceremony venue, but are seriously struggling to find a reception venue to coincide. I guess this is where the idea of a ‘theme’ would come in. Neither Jeffrey nor I are ones for themes, as you could maybe tell from our flat, Christmas decorations, etc. but I guess if we were to theme our wedding it would be ‘us’. Luckily Jeffrey and I are on the same page with this and would like a small wedding that reflects us, our taste, interests etc. Sadly, this isn’t easy.

We’re planning on having our wedding in London. It doesn’t really make sense to have it in Hull seeing as our lives are in London and there are, you’d think, many more ‘different’ venues to choose from in the capital. If we were having our wedding in the Hull and East Yorkshire area reception venues seem to be very limited, with hotels being the most common option. Examples include Cave Castle, Country Park Inn, and Rowley Manor, which, while nice and rural, just don’t shout Jeffrey and Sophie.

But it seems London isn’t much better. I’ve been scouring the internet for a few weeks since our engagement to find a venue in London that appeals and reflects ‘us’. And it is not easy let me tell you! We identified a few places we like (in brackets below) but have lost hope that a good number of venues exist which either:

1. don’t charge upwards of £350 per hour just for venue hire (Jerwood Space)
2. don’t require a minimum of 100 people at £140 per head (Kensington Roof Gardens)
3. don’t have a minimum spend of  at least £7500 (Empress of India, Victoria Park)

And don’t even get me started on décor. Now, those of you who now us would probably say our taste is quite contemporary, unfussy, home made, with Danish and Ghanaian influences (see here).  The tendency for reception venues to provide fussy wedding receptions, enlisting the happy couple and their guests to step back 100 years to enjoy limited natural light, chandeliers, fabric and ribbon covered chairs, over the top centrepieces, gilt mirrors, fussy table settings, naff paintings, and chintzy carpets and curtains,  is just too much.

 

So, we struggle on. We have a couple of reception venues up our sleeves, but these mean we have to postpone the wedding. One is much cheaper than the other, but we’re looking into full costs and are hoping to be able to get it in our diaries and send out set the date notes to those we would like there. Watch this space for progress.